I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
