I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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