dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
