OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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