i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
