Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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