it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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