he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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