And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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