she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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