Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
