forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
