Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
