And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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