No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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