he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
