piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
