my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
