i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
