You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
