Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
