I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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