M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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