I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
