I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
