Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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