my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
And then he peed in my hair
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