I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
