i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
