the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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