yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i need an iv and a liver transplant
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
