Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
