Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
