Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
