you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
