I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
