the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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