Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
