I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
