Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
