just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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