just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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