I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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