My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
