I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
