A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
