I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
