You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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