hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
