Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
