Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
